Forgiveness

As a person, there are several things in my life that I struggle with. As a Christian it drives me crazy that I struggle with these things. Then I remind myself that even as a Christian, I'm still a person. (Still following me?) Sometimes though, I think we (as a society) use the "I'm only human" line as a cop-out. "Well, yeah... I lied, but I'm only human." "Oh yeah I did cheat on that test, but it's not my fault, I'm only human." The thing is God holds us (as Christians) to a higher standard. Yes, we're still going to fall short, none of us are perfect, but we must strive to live for Him and do the things we know are right.

Why is it then, that even when I KNOW what I'm supposed to do, I just can't seem to get my heart in the right place? Right now I'm talking about forgiveness (check back tomorrow, it may be something different). Under most circumstances I am a very forgiving person. Sometimes I can be too forgiving. Frank tells me all the time that I let myself get walked all over, but I can't help it. I believe in a God of second chances so why should I not extend that same courtesy to others? However, in most cases the other person WANTS to be forgiven. We talk, we work things out, they are repentant (and let's face it, 9 times out of 10 I need to be forgiven as well) and we forgive and move on. Sounds so easy.

Now though, I'm dealing with a different story. I'm dealing with a person (people) who have hurt me so deeply, to the very core of who I am, without warning, without provocation, without merit. And now, the thing is, I can't forgive. I can't move past this. I'm angry. Beyond angry. I'm hurt and appalled and it kind of makes me feel sick. And honestly, right this minute, I don't WANT to forgive. I don't WANT to move past it. I want to tell this person (people) exactly what I think of them and I don't want to hold anything back. Ouch. And then there's God who is gently reminding me to turn the other cheek, to forgive 70x7. I know that's what I'm supposed to do, so why am I so conflicted? My heart and my brain are at war. The Christian side of me and the human side of me can't come to an agreement. If I were a cartoon you could see the little angel and the little devil, one on each shoulder whispering in my ear, telling me what to do. I know which one I WANT to listen to, but man, it's hard.

So, there's my mindless babble for the day in all it's glory. It's not pretty, I know, but it's honest and true and one day I know that I will move on. One day I will forgive even though I will never forget. My heart, no matter how broken, always seems to win over my mind. Hopefully that time will come soon.