Tears

I've had an emotional few days. Those of you who know me know that I'm a crier. I can cry over pretty much anything. Those of you who have known me a LONG time know that when I was younger I really cried about everything. No comments from the peanut gallery. Since becoming a mom I think the object of my tears have changed. Since growing up, growing older, experiencing life, and the joys and heartaches that come with that, my tears have been somewhat more reserved... although sometimes misdirected. There are times that I cry over things that I'm not really crying about. Does that make sense? LOL

For example, last Fall, when Matthew passed away, Kassidy was ending her Fall season of soccer. As team mom I was in charge of getting everything organized for the end of season party, gifts for the team and gifts for the coaches. My heart was hurting. Bad. The Saturday before his funeral I was trying to collect money at her game and it turned out that not all the moms were on the same page. I didn't communicate as well as I should have with everyone, even though I thought I had, and everyone was confused. I got REALLY upset which confused them even more. These are all ladies that have known me for years and here I was having a meltdown. They seriously looked at me like I had two heads. Finally one of the coaches wives said, "Renee, this really just isn't that important." And I snapped back with, "NO what's important is the funeral I'm going to for a teenager in a couple days!!!" OHHHH So while the light bulb went on in MY head as to why I was in the middle of a nervous breakdown over soccer shorts, it left the rest of my friends feeling like I had lost my mind. (I did call them all throughout the next week and I apologized and explained and they were all very gracious and forgave me. Friends are awesome like that.)


But I digress.. it's been an emotional few days. I feel like I've been brought to tears over one thing or another continuously. They haven't all been sad tears, but some have. With so many of our friends heading to Kellsey's country to get their children right now I have been torn with emotion. I've been extremely happy for them and a little sad for us. We all started our adoption process together and had talked about traveling together... then I saw the video and it about broke my heart. I thank God that Kellsey is being taken better care of than that for now, but all those kids in institutions... ohhhh I ache for them. I wish we could bring them ALL home. Then of course we got Kellsey's pictures which made me cry tears of extreme joy, and extreme longing! She is SO beautiful! And she needs to be HERE with US!


Not long after that I got a wonderful message that after a super long hospital stay, Charity is headed home! YAY!!! She fought long and hard and against all odds is now doing great and back at home with her brothers and sisters! This news brought lots of happy tears! :)


Almost right after that we found out about Ashlyn relapsing. The tears of sadness flowed again. I spoke briefly with her mom, Nicki, on the phone and I could hear the frustration and fear in her voice. My worst fear. Ever. It's consumed me. Cancer sucks. UGH!!!


Right after talking to Nicki, we headed out the door to Hopkinsville to walk with Team Matthew in their Relay For Life. This is the first time we were able to go to one of these. Kennedy and our Vanderbilt friend Logan were able to walk the Survivor lap together. It was neat... but the whole time I kept thinking that Matthew and Charlie (who's mom and little sisters were there too) should have been right there with us! When Team Matthew did their first lap, Charlie's sister and Kennedy walked over and held Matthew's mom's hands for awhile. It was so sweet. More tears. I don't think I will ever stop shedding tears for all the families forever changed by cancer.


Saturday morning I woke up and the first thing I thought is, "It's June 13th." Two years ago my friend Angela had to say goodbye to her son Cody. He was the first of the Vanderbilt kids to pass away from cancer after Kennedy's diagnosis. Kennedy and Cody had the same speech therapist and I'll never forget the day that she called to tell me he was gone. More tears. His funeral... was devastating. Such a beautiful little boy. Cancer sucks!!


I dragged myself out of bed that morning and drove to Nashville for a new parent training with our Down Syndrome Association. There were 10 moms there and we were getting the training to go into hospitals to speak to new parents with a baby with Down syndrome. First though, we were asked to share our stories... how we found out our children had Down syndrome, what medical problems they've had, how they're doing now... stuff like that. As you can imagine, there were TONS of tears shed there... we laughed through our tears though... and as bad as the initial prognosis was for all of us, as much as we feared Down syndrome at first, and as negative as some health care professionals can be, we all agree that we're pretty darn lucky to have our kids!!! :) It was a good, informative, emotionally exhausting day.


This morning, as we do every Sunday morning, I woke up to get ready for church, and saw an email in my box from a friend who needed to talk. They think her daughter, who has Down syndrome, might have Leukemia. Can I just scream right now? Seriously. Ugh. So I called and talked to her for awhile and prayed for her and her daughter. SO scary. I shed a few more tears, and told her to keep me posted. Have I mentioned yet that cancer sucks?


Then we went to church. I was excited about today's sermon because they are doing a series about marriage. I love series like this because it's always good to be able to refresh and reevaluate your marriage. This week's message was GREAT. Ron talked about how NO marriage, however strong you may think it is, is safe from divorce. Satan is always working to break up your marriage. At the end of the sermon our other pastor Chad and his wife Christy sang a beautiful song (and if you're reading this Chad, I had NO idea you could sing!) while Ron and his wife Cheryl danced... oh you just had to be there. It was awesome. The tears flowed. I love our pastors because they are real. They are the first to tell you that they aren't perfect and they have to work HARD at their marriages... and everything else that the rest of us struggle with. If you're struggling right now, or even if you aren't and want to hear some good tips on how to keep your marriage strong, you can listen to today's sermon online here or you can watch the video by clicking here. Then maybe I won't be crying alone.


SO yes, lots and lots of tears the last few days... not all good, but not all bad either... and at least I know what I'm crying about.