Part of our Story

Before I went private, someone left this comment on my last Q&A. I thought she asked some great, thoughtful questions and I thought it would be a good gateway to open up a little more about our story. I emailed her back with my answer because I already knew I was going private, but I thought I might share here too. I realize that I haven't shared an accurate picture of our life with Kellsey. I also realize after talking with some people that I may have given off the feeling that I don't like Kellsey. I hate that people have gotten that feeling from me. I have struggled A LOT with my feelings for Kellsey because of her RAD and because we have not been able to bond and attach like I very much wanted. This is in NO way Kellsey's fault. It's RAD's fault! HA! (If that's even possible!) Anyway, below was the questions that I received and my answer back to her. I hope that you will hear my heart and take it in the tone that I intended. If I've EVER come across that I don't like Kellsey, I hope you always know that I LOVE Kellsey, even when we are struggling to find our place as mother and daughter. I have always and will always want to do what's best for her.

I have a question about Kellsey. I hope it doesn't come across as mean or rude because I really, REALLY do not mean it that way... but do you ever "regret" adopting Kellsey? I don't mean that you don't love her and care about her, but it seems like her struggles have really come to light lately, and you were't aware of them when you adopted her. As I said, I don't mean that in a mean or rude way - I know you wouldn't trade her for anything - but I wonder if "regret" ever runs through your mind? Do you grieve for the little girl you thought you were bringing home? 
I understand if you don't want to answer those questions - pubicly or at all - and I respect that. :) I was just curious. :D
I also want to say Thank You for being so open about Kellsey and her needs. I'm sure it would be easy to not say anything about the struggle and only talk about the positives, but I think that wouldn't really paint an accurate picture of adoption (as I assume you also think - otherwise you probably wouldn't post about the struggles). I think your family is great for adopting Kellsey, and for changing your active lifestyle to make sure she's happy and thriving. Also - your kids are adorable!  

I don't regret adopting Kellsey. Frank and I have actually talked A LOT about this very thing. We are GLAD she is HERE and not in an institution (where she'd most likely be dead by now). As more and more of her health issues have come to light, we are even MORE thankful that she is here and not in an institution. However, we DO regret the effect her adoption has had on our family. It's been a REALLY REALLY hard two years. About 6 months ago, Kameron (who is 10 and very bluntly honest) said, "Ever since you brought Kellsey home, all you do is tell us NO!" And he's right, but man it hurt my heart. As a mother, I want ALL my kids to be safe and happy and feel loved and I have had to make a lot of choices that I wish I didn't even have to think about. I've had to sacrifice one child for four or four children for one and it's not fair to ANY of them. I was reading back through my blog the other night and ran across the post where we announced Kellsey's adoption... in there I said that Kellsey couldn't possibly throw anything at us medically that we haven't already encountered! ROFL! How wrong I was! I absolutely grieve for the little girl we hoped and planned for... we had this picture (literally and figuratively) of this sweet girl with a beautiful smile. I dreamed that she would play babies and dress up with Kennedy and run around with Keeghan (who is 6 months younger than her) as they started Kindergarten together. Instead our reality is that she sits in the living room, all day every day, scribbling circles on her magna doodle and getting angry if anyone invades her space. The kids have stopped trying to play with her and everyone kind of moves "around" her. It's really heartbreaking for me to watch, because she's HERE, but she's not really HERE (if that makes sense). I've never been able to pull her onto my lap or read her a story. I've never been able to lay in bed with her at bedtime and cuddle with her like I do with the other kids. I've never been able to help her play dress up or have her bring me a toy to make it work. She just IS. It's definitely not the dreams we had for her, or our family, but at the same time we feel like we TOTALLY did the right thing bringing her home. Even though I feel like we haven't provided her the love that we'd like to, I KNOW we've taken good care of her, I have fought for her the BEST that I know how. I have advocated and cried buckets of tears and I've loved her in the only way she would let me... by providing for her needs.

When she was in the hospital last month after she swallowed the batteries, she turned into a completely different child. She had one-on-one attention either from me or my mom. The other kids weren't around and Kellsey opened up. She smiled, she said WORDS (I never hear that at home) and she interacted and she let me sit on her bed with her and she played BALL with me. It was AMAZING! It really helped my heart because it confirmed that this is not ME... this is not something I'm doing wrong, it just is what it is and DAMN that orphanage for hurting her so badly. :( When the kids came up to visit her in the hospital, she reverted back to "her". She pushed me off the bed and growled and glared and rolled her eyes. With many kids with RAD, jealousy is a HUGE factor in their behaviors... of course I will NEVER be able to completely provide the one-on-one care she thrives on without sacrificing the other four more than I already have. When she came home from the hospital, my mom noted that she completely changed... her face even looked sadder. I'm glad she was here so she could see how we were/are all TRYING but Kellsey just shuts everyone out when she is mad (sad? feeling jealous? I don't know for sure). That's when we first started talking about my mom taking her for awhile. The two of them get along well and my mom has the kind of household and environment that Kellsey needs. I talked to Frank and the kids about it (well the big two anyway) and they were all on board. There's been SO much they've missed out on (again, NOT Kellsey's fault) and we've all been hurting, Kellsey included. SO my mom flew home, we continued talking about it, she found back up who could help her when needed and I talked to her doctors and got all her major medical stuff cleared. She felt confident in caring for Kellsey and has made lots of fun (air conditioned) plans for the two of them. I am excited for Kellsey's summer. I am hoping that she will open up again and maybe be able to let my mom in. She needs that... we all need that. It wasn't an easy decision, but I believe it's the BEST decision for now. Whew! I talk a lot!! haha Sorry to ramble! :) Thanks again for the questions... they were good ones!