My Town is Burning

Over 30,000 people have now been evacuated from Colorado Springs. A fire that started as a plume of smoke on Saturday afternoon has turned into devastation unlike anything I've ever seen. This morning, I looked outside to see the same haze over the mountains that I've seen for a few days now. I turned on the news to see that the Waldo Canyon Fire was 5% contained. Five percent. Well, that's better than yesterday... yesterday it was 0%.

We went to Kennedy and Keeghan's dance class and all seemed to be about the same... as we drove South I saw more of what my friends were seeing... more smoke... some flames... but no structures had been lost. This was good. The firefighters would get it under control. Surely.

Half way through dance, we got a phone call and it was suggested that we might all want to leave... then a little panic took over and the tone was more like, "No really... leave!" I packed the kids up and we walked out to smoke and ash... everywhere. What happened?! A friend warned me to stay off the Interstate, so I took surface streets home watching our skyline get more orange and darker.... I turned on my headlights, even though it was the middle of the day. Cars were crawling along with me... some packed to the ceiling with "stuff". I am guessing it's stuff they felt was important. Pictures... important papers... favorite memories... I don't know.

By the time I got to my street, the sky looked like this...

Creepy, right?

As the night went on and I watched the news... devastation struck. Houses started to burn. Those 3,000 people who were evacuated? Some of them no longer have homes. And the Waldo Canyon Fire jumped into Colorado Springs. They are saying that even though it doesn't appear windy to us down here on the ground, up there, where the fire is, it IS windy... and those 65mph winds have changed directions 3 times which has sent the flames blazing over 600 acres.

The Red Cross has set up evacuation centers all over our city. People are pulling together and the firefighters are out there battling... they're trying their best to contain this thing and save as many homes, and more importantly, lives, as they can.

Tonight, we sat and watched images come across our television and our computer like this...

And all we could do was pray... we prayed for the firefighters. We prayed for the families who no longer have homes. We prayed that no lives would be lost. We prayed for rain. Lots and lots of rain. I have no doubt that eventually the firefighters will get this under control, and then our city will pick back up and start rebuilding once again... just like Clarksville did when we were flooded out.

Right now, our home is safe. We are fine. And we are so thankful for that. I don't know what the future holds, but our house is more central, away from the mountains, and I think we'll be fine. Thank you to everyone who has checked in on us! I do appreciate it so much!! Because of the thick smoke and poor air quality, we have decided to head out of town for California a little early. We have some friends whose kids have become quite sick from the smoke in the air, and when I got home tonight Kennedy started coughing pretty badly. I don't want to mess with it if we don't have to. So, in the morning (or later this morning really since it IS already morning) we will head out of Colorado Springs and start driving to California for our vacation. Frank was able to change his plans and fly straight into CA when it's time for his R&R, so he will just meet us there.

Please be praying for safe travel for us, but mostly be praying for our city and the amazing people who live here. Be praying for our firefighters as they battle this blaze. Be praying for those who have lost everything and have to start over. My heart breaks for them. Just be praying for Colorado Springs.

Well Good Grief!

I have been private for a whole whoppin' two weeks now. Seriously. Blogger allows me 100 readers when I'm private which took me about 2 days to fill up. So THEN I started another private blog and just posted everything twice. I figured I'd be set. Wrong. Yesterday I hit my limit there, too. I also realize that many of the people I've let in as readers I don't really KNOW. I have received lots of emails and facebook messages and even twitter messages asking me for invites, but the truth is, my posts could really be copied and pasted anywhere... I mean, with 200 readers, nothing is really private anyway, is it?

Part of the reason I went private is because I received a couple of nasty comments about my last public post. I realize as a blogger I am putting my life out there (or at least parts of my life out there) for people to read about and do with what they will. I think that people sometimes forget that behind the screen you are reading, we are a real family with real hurts and real hopes and real dreams and sometimes things don't always turn out the way that we, or the rest of the world, thinks they should.

We are ALL trying to do the VERY best we can in the path that we are walking. Some of those paths have been chosen for us, some we have chosen for ourselves; either way, some of the decisions that our family makes may not be the same ones you would make. Some of the things that we believe will not be the same things you believe. Does that mean that you are right and we are wrong? No. Does that mean that we are right and you are wrong? No. It means that we are all trying to find our way... sometimes we are going to get it exactly right, sometimes we are going to get it very wrong and we'll have to pick ourselves back up and keep going. Either way, it's not going to do us (or you) any good to leave us nasty comments, talk nasty about us in private groups, or come up with stories which have strayed so far from the truth, it's almost funny now.

If you have questions, ask me. My email is CAmommy2KJ@aol.com or you can find me on Facebook and send me a message. I'm almost always around. There are some details of our lives that I will keep private, especially regarding my children, and you'll have to respect that, but I feel like overall I have been pretty open about most areas of our lives. It may take me a bit to answer, but I'll get back to you. If you've been "hearing things" don't assume it's all true. I feel like I'm back in high school and the prom queen is out to get me. It's silly! (As Kennedy would say.)

So, in order to save myself the work of opening up a THIRD blog and triple posting all my blog posts, I'm opening back up. My comments are going back to moderated, and anonymous comments will not be allowed. I won't publish any nasty comments and I won't acknowledge them... I'm trying to teach my children that if they don't have anything nice to say, not to say anything at all. I need to work on that myself sometimes. One of our many purposes in life is to help others along the way, in any capacity we can. That may be to offer advice, to listen, or to act. But if there's nothing we can do to help, we at least should not hurt them through our words or actions. If you'd like to know what's been going on with us, have seat, take a read... there's a few posts to catch up on.

We have a lot going on here... fires all over Colorado Springs and HOT weather and busy days. I'll do another update on all that later. To those of you who haven't seen me in a couple weeks, "Hello there!" To all of you who sent me emails and FB messages, thank you so much!! Now, it's time to get on with our summer. :)

Elitch Gardens Two

We went back to Elitch Gardens today... we are determined to make good use of our season passes! ;) I love spending time with the kids there and seeing them laugh and try new rides! Kass and Kam went on their first roller coaster EVER today! Frank and I LOVE roller coasters and have been waiting to have thrill seeker kids to enjoy them with us. :) I'm not so sure Kass and Kam are ready to jump on every roller coaster they see, but I'm glad they're getting their feet wet.

It was HOT today... temps broke 100 and the kids made several stops on the water rides to cool off. I even went on one, and I must admit, it felt GOOD!! We brought a picnic lunch and avoided the park prices, and enjoyed a great day together. Here are some pictures, in no particular order...

 The kids first time down the boat ride... Kass, Kam and Kenn are in the back row. They were soaked! LOL 

Kam and Kass on the roller coaster! They're brave!

 They're second time on the boat... with Keeghan... He didn't like it much. LOL Kass was mimicking Keeghan's face! haha

My sweet girls

Kam on the merry go round

Keeghan on the merry go round

They're about to get REALLY wet! 

 This is one of Kameron's favorite rides

Kass on the merry go round

 Sweet kids :)

 You read it... didn't you? ;)

My handsome boys

Now we are relaxing, watching a movie and getting ready for bed. I love summer! 

Destination

Our church attendance has been hit and miss over the last several months. We switched churches AGAIN in January as we've had a hard time finding the right place to call "home" here. Then Kennedy started competition season, Frank deployed, Kellsey swallowed batteries and well... life got nuts. We went when we could, and Kass got involved in the girls Bible study with her youth group, but even church for me was a half effort for the first time in my life. I haven't really tried to make connections or invest myself. I haven't joined a small group or started serving. Part of that reason is I didn't want to have to get too real with anyone. I didn't want anyone to know how badly our family is hurting.

We went to church on Sunday and I sat down for the last part of a four part series. I missed the first three, so I wondered how much I would even get out of it. However, our pastor sucked me right in. I needed to be there. I pulled out my phone and started typing notes as fast as I could. Here's some of what I wrote...

"The prudent see danger and take refuge, but the simple keep going and suffer for it." 


A few months ago, a friend (who I'm not even sure is a friend anymore) said to me, "You know, you always seem to be looking for the 'next thing' with Kellsey for things to get better... first it was her starting preschool. That didn't help. Then it was moving to Colorado. That didn't help. Then it was starting school THERE... that didn't help either... when are you going to see that nothing is helping?"

She was right. I was saying exactly that. I kept thinking that if our situation changed, Kellsey would be able to bond with our family. If she had some time to socialize with peers in school, it would help her learn to socialize at home. If we got her to better doctors in Colorado who would listen to me, then we could get her the help she needed.  When all those things happened and I still didn't get the results I hoped for, I changed my hopes to the next "thing". I kept pushing, and we were all suffering for it, especially Kellsey.

"Direction (not intention) determines destination. But often times it is the things or people who get our attention who influence our direction."


That's clear as mud, right? ;) The decisions we make determines the direction and the destination of our lives. (Duh) Four years ago we were heading in one direction... walking merrily on our way when our attention was grabbed by this organization called Reece's Rainbow. All of the sudden, the direction of our whole family skewed completely off path... that's not necessarily a BAD thing... There's lots of time the direction of our lives have skewed. Many of the choices we make skew the direction of our lives. Back in 1997 this strange boy told me I was beautiful and later that night I agreed to go to a movie with him. That choice skewed the direction of my life and as a result there are four more people on this planet. :) In 2008, we made the decision to adopt a little girl with Down syndrome from Ukraine. Our intention was to bring home this little orphan and give her a family and love and a life she never would have had in an orphanage. The direction we ended up taking was much different and it was determining the destination of our lives... all seven of our lives. And that destination was looking bleak.

"Every path has a destination. On every path that leads to destruction, there is always something powerful, and those are the things that lead to our greatest regret." 


Regret. I don't want to regret one minute of my life, especially my life as a mother. I know I have made mistakes. I know I WILL make mistakes. But at the end of my life, I don't want to regret the time I did (or did not) spend with my children. I don't want to wish I did things drastically different. I pray that they will say, "She loved us. And she taught us the love of Jesus." Over the last two years there are several things that I wish had happened differently either by chance, by the actions of others or by my own actions. I could make a huge long list here of  "I wish I had" or "I wish I hadn't"; "I wish they had" or "I wish they hadn't" but it makes no difference now. It's the past that set us on the path that we have been on. Were we on a path leading to destruction? I believe that yes we were. We have been a family in crisis. Every single one of us has been hurting in our own ways. Because this is the internet and my children deserve some level of privacy, I'm not going to delve too deeply into that, but we all have some healing to do now.

"You respond to where you are. Friends respond to where they're afraid you'll go." 


My response to the last two years with Kellsey has not been healthy. As she rejected me because of RAD, I rejected her. Not at first. At first I tried. I mean, I tried really, really hard. I gave it my all. I tried as hard as I knew how to love her and get inside her head and make her let me in. I figured I have four children here who I adore and who adore me. This should not be so hard! I know I'm a good mother, so I just need to try harder! But after several months, I wore down. And Kellsey and I began this pattern of rejecting one another. I took care of her, and medically I fought for her. I think I became almost obsessive in my drive to keep her safe as we learned of all her medical issues. I was terrified that she would aspirate or overheat or injure herself and so I exhausted myself trying to protect her because then, if she wouldn't let me love her, at least I felt like I was still being a mother to her. I kept her safe at the expense of my other children. When I confided my exhaustion in my friends, they were appropriately concerned. How they handled that concern came out in different ways. It has strained some friendships while it has allowed other friendships to grow as they have committed to walk this painful path with me. I responded to the pain I was feeling over not bonding with my daughter and my friends responded to the hurt they saw not only in my eyes, but in Kellsey's eyes. They were worried. And to the few that stuck by me during the really, really hard months, I thank you.

"The decisions we make determine the direction and the destination of our lives. It's impacting our future and the future of those under our care." 


Every decision that Frank and I make determine the future of five little lives. We made the decision to bring Kellsey home from Ukraine. The direction and destination of our lives forever changed that day. I won't say that it was a BAD decision, it was just a decision that took us on a new journey. We had no idea what that journey would hold for us. We've learned a lot along the way. We learned that love is not always a two way street. We learned that not everything is black and white and not to judge what you don't understand. We learned that Christians can be some of the most judgmental people in the whole world... and some of the most loving. We learned who our true friends are. We learned that family is more important than anything. We learned that we need to take care of US, all 7 of us, and not worry about what the outside world thinks. We are accountable only to God and no one else. Only He knows the destination of our lives right now and we are relying on Him as He guides us in all the decisions we make.

And that is what I learned in church on Sunday. Kinda glad I went... ;)

Kennedy and Keeghan's Birthday Portraits

These are some of the birthday portraits done by JCM Photography. My friend Carmen did such a great job capturing Kennedy and Keeghan's personalities. I know there are A LOT more, so I'll share those too as soon as I see them. ;)

Thank you, Carmen!!!!

Q&A #243

OK, so my Q&As have just become a little more complicated! LOL For those of you reading on my main blog, I ran out of room for readers. Blogger only allows 100 readers when you're private. SO since people were still asking to read, I decided to just open ANOTHER blog and double post. So the same posts are going to 2 blogs with different readers... both private. Therefore, I'm getting two different sets of comments. SO if you don't see the questions that are being asked on the blog you're reading, it's because it was asked on the other blog. Clear as mud? No? Sorry! LOL I'm going to link to the posts on the main blog always because then when I open back up, the links will still be active... I guess. I haven't figured this all out yet, can you tell?! Anyway, here are the Q&As... 


Have you tried visual schedules with Kellsey? I use visual cues for my middle school speech kiddos all the time, and I usually just use clip art instead of Boardmaker or some other expensive program.
She's not QUITE able to do that yet, she can't identify pictures by sight correctly... hopefully in the near future. Kennedy uses them at school and they work great! :) We don't use them at home though because we literally have no set schedule. Ever. LOL Sad, I know.  


Start writing a book ;).
LOL Who knows, these may be the first few chapters! ;)


Have you thought about (I'm sure you have) what will happen at the end of the summer? A whole summer of one on one time, and personalized attention.. and then back to the hustle and bustle of normal life.. What if you see that she is just thriving with your mom? Would you guys consider keeping her there, or just work harder on readjusting her when the time comes?
Yes... we've been thinking and talking about that A LOT lately actually. Someone said to me recently, "Renee, you adopted Kellsey to make HER happy, you didn't adopt her to make YOU happy." I sat there in awe. Yep. You're right. My priorities may have been a little screwed up in the beginning (and I'll talk more about that later) but when it comes down to it, we adopted Kellsey to get her out of that orphanage. We adopted her to give her a family and a life and love and everything she never would have had if she was put into an institution. We adopted her so she could thrive. And sadly, because of circumstances beyond our control (and beyond Kellsey's control) she is NOT thriving in our family. Is it just our family dynamics? Are we too loud and busy and overwhelming for her? Maybe. She has made it CLEAR that she craves one-on-one attention. I have tried to give her that to the best of my ability, but she quickly figured out that it would always be interrupted by someone else (such is life in a big family) and the rejection patterns kicked in and got worse and worse until she wouldn't let me in ever. We are going to see how this summer goes. Of course MY dream is to see all my children together under one roof, healthy and HAPPY and singing Kumbaya (ok... I don't think my kids even know that song. LOL) but in the last 6 months God has really shown us that maybe MY dream is not HIS plan. Right now, we're just taking it one day at a time... we're letting Kellsey lead really. Ultimately, I want to see her grow and be happy and thrive... wherever that is. 


As someone who has first hand SEEN your family together, I know FOR A FACT, that your decision was not entered lightly. And I know that its the best choice for Kellsey.
I think this is important to note because everyone who KNOWS us and has met Kellsey and spent time with her agrees with you (and us) on this. It's the people who haven't met her and have only seen pictures that are having a harder time... granted, that's partly my fault because I haven't been as open as maybe I should have, but it was to save us from being bashed for being honest! LOL I feel like I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't. Did I just cuss?! There goes my 'G' rating! 


Curious...what is a para? 
A para (short for paraprofessional) is sometimes called a one-on-one aide. Dawna works with Kennedy in school during her academic times (she's not with her all day, but quite a bit of it). She helps Kennedy stay focused and make sure she understands what's going on in class. If Kennedy's assignment is modified in any way, Dawna will help her with that. This ensures that the classroom teacher is not being pulled away from the class as a whole any more than she needs to be. It's really the best of all worlds, it's an extra boost to help Kennedy thrive in the classroom with her typical peers and it helps her teacher at the same time! We love Dawna (and the other aides who rotate throughout Kennedy's day). They helped make her 1st grade year successful! 


I had an undiagnosed autistic toddler in my Sunday School class many years ago. He was fine if in a room with only one teacher and himself. Once we brought him into the class with other children, he could not cope. Your description of Kellsey in the 1-on-1 scenario sounded so much like what the little boy did. Perhaps, it is the autism that is making the RAD even harder.
Yes, her ped in TN and here both have mentioned Autism and offered to have her formally evaluated and diagnosed. I asked if they saw a benefit to slapping one more "label" on her as it wouldn't get her any more services and they agreed it wouldn't DO anything to help her so we've held off on that for now. I agree though, it could very well be feeding into her struggles with coping in certain situations. 


Are you able to see who reads daily? Just curious if you can see from your end who doesn't check in often? 
No, but no big deal. Now that I've opened another blog it doesn't matter, and we probably won't hit the 200 readers... if we do, I guess I'll open a THIRD blog! haha

Our Adoption Story

It's funny how people can read a blog and feel like they KNOW that person or that family. I've done it myself with the blogs that I read. I can invest myself so deeply into a blog that I feel like we're friends. I know A LOT about them. I know where they went on vacation, what their kids' favorite colors are, and even what their grades were on their last report cards. I can identify with some of their struggles and I rejoice with their successes. I have even cried tears of happiness and sadness for my blogging friends.

In reality, I am only seeing glimpses into their lives. I am seeing the snapshots that they wish to portray to the world. I don't see their sink piled with dirty dishes or the fight they had with their husband last night. I don't see the mom exhausted as their baby screams on the 3 hour flight to their vacation destination. I see what people want me to see. And of course we always want people to think that we're ok. We want people to see that we're happy and doing well and that we can handle everything. We want people to think that we have it all together. And many times, that's simply not true.

Until two years ago, it was easy for me to blog. I had 4 happy kids, and yes, we had our issues, especially with Kennedy's health. We were in NO WAY perfect and of course I didn't share every argument Frank and I had or every time I let the laundry get out of control, but it was easy for me to sometimes blog three times a day. I had a lot to say. We were a hopping, on-the-go family and I wanted to share our love (and sometimes my rants) and laughter with our family and close friends, and also with our friends in the Down syndrome community and everyone else who stumbled across my blog in various ways. I gained a lot of advice and insight from other readers and I LOVED blogging.

When we started our adoption process, I started reading adoption blogs. I watched other families bring their children home and I read closely as they integrated these children into their families. For the most part, I read happy stories, I saw beautiful smiles and joy and a smooth transition. I thought, "We can do this! We KNOW Down syndrome, piece of cake! One more child? Piece of cake!" But I was only seeing snapshots of their lives. And while some families have indeed bonded beautifully with their newly adopted children, others have struggled. Like we have. Those families haven't said anything because when they do, they get shunned by some of the adoption community... the very people who should be there to uplift and support them. And when I saw the few people who WERE brave enough to speak out get bashed, I started being less free about what I shared. I knew what it felt like to be ripped apart by "anonymous"... someone who hides behind their computer screen, too chicken to own up to their words, and I did not want to be on the receiving end of that.

And so, the snapshots that I portrayed of our lives became less frequent and more forced, at least for me. I was careful about what pictures I posted... I didn't post pictures of Kellsey not smiling (which was most of them) because I didn't want people asking me what was "wrong" with her. I didn't talk about our issues with RAD, because I didn't think people would understand and I thought (correctly) that I would be blamed. Behind the scenes I exhausted every option as our family slowly began to fall apart. I went to seek help from a child psychologist who twisted my words ten ways to Sunday and turned me into Child Protective Services. Thankfully, once the caseworker came out and talked to me, she saw that there was nothing to investigate and closed the case immediately. But it was a nightmare for my children who were old enough to understand. I often wonder if that woman had stopped to listen, actually listen to what I was saying and tried to HELP us, if things would be different now. That happened almost 18 months ago. I guess we'll never know.

In the need to protect myself from "anonymous", I think I cheated others (especially other parents looking to adopt) out of our real adoption story. I can see where it was confusing to some. I tried SO hard to stay positive (even then sometimes it wasn't good enough) that people either accused me of trying too hard or STILL not talking enough about Kellsey. Usually that was because I just didn't have anything to SAY. And so, I posted less. It was just easier. I didn't feel like people were really reading anymore anyway (Bloggers, if you think no one's reading, go private! I've never had so many emails in my life!) so I figured that instead of posting once a day, I'd post every other day... then it became a few times a week... And I missed writing... but we were all hurting so badly at that point, it didn't seem to matter.

I want to say right now that our story with Kellsey has NOTHING to do with CIPA or any of the other medical things she has introduced us to over the last 2 years. The medical stuff doesn't really phase me anymore. I kind of just roll with it now and say "OK well, let's fix it/deal with it/cure it" or whatever the case may be. Yes it sucks and yes it's made her RAD exponentially more difficult, but it is what it is. Our story with Kellsey, our adoption story has to do with a little girl so emotionally damaged from her three years in an orphanage in Ukraine, two parents who don't know how to help her get past that, and seven people who ended up on a downward spiral because of it. It wasn't until this last six months that what was happening to our family became clear to me and I knew that something had to change.

And so, for better or worse, I am going to share our adoption story. It won't be like ANY adoption story you've ever read because there's no other family like ours and no other child like Kellsey. You can choose to read or choose not to. You can choose to agree with me or not. You can even disagree with me in the comment section or my email box, all I ask is that you do so respectfully. You don't have to LIKE what you read, but you have my word that I'm going to be 100% honest and truthful (and may never go public again! LOL). We, as a family, are still in a fog, but even after only a week, I see that fog lifting for ALL seven of us (even Frank and he's not here!) so there may be some questions I still cannot answer. One day at a time.

Thank you to those of you who invest in our lives, whatever that role may be.

Elitch Gardens

In Denver there is an amusement park called Elitch Gardens. When we knew we were moving to Colorado, Kameron got online and started doing some research... because that's just how he is. LOL He discovered all sorts of fun things, but the one that made his eyes light up was Elitch Gardens. "I want to go THERE!" He said. Last summer was a little crazy. We were busy moving in, trying to find our way around town (and getting lost), getting the kids ready for school and just getting settled! SO now is the time. :) Kassidy and Kennedy actually got to go last week with Kennedy's dance company. Kameron was at drama camp so he couldn't go which just about did him in, but he made a commitment and had to stick with it. He lived. Amazing, I know. ;)

Kennedy's para Dawna (who is pretty much part of our family now) and her daughter Brooklyn and her niece Angela met us there for the day. The kids had so much fun going on all the rides and deciding what they liked and didn't like. Kassidy and Kameron have never been one for scary rides... they don't like roller coasters, they don't like being turned upside down... basically, they don't like the rides that Frank and I LOVE! HA! However, Kennedy and Keeghan seem to be little thrill seekers! They went on some FAST rides yesterday and laughed and laughed. :) Kennedy doesn't like the jerky rides (but neither do I) and we went on a water ride (think Splash Mountain) and even though we told her what was going to happen, she obviously didn't GET it. We did a HUGE drop, got soaking wet, and she was NOT happy! LOL We got to the bottom and she threw her hands up and said, "What the heck?! My clothes are wet!" SO funny!! Needless to say she didn't go back for a second ride with Kass and Brooklyn! LOL

Keeghan of course loved the kid area where there were NO height requirements and Kameron even liked it because there was a big ball room where he could shoot balls out of air guns... he was in there for a long time and came out sweaty and tired. Boys!!

Anyway, we bought season passes and I told the kids we could have a standing date for every Friday... we're going to get our money's worth, dang it! LOL Here are a few pictures from my phone, I didn't even take my real camera! I think Dawna took more pictures than I did, so when she sends them to me I will post them. Today we are off to meet Hello Kitty at the mall. I have a very star struck 8 year old. ;)

Keeghan wanted this banana SO badly! LOL

 Spinning on the hot air balloons

 Brooklyn and Kennedy on the swings

 Keeghan swinging 

 The girls on the Ferris Wheel... we were high up! 

 Keeghan's first ride on a ferris wheel

Kameron on the Ferris Wheel

Part of our Story

Before I went private, someone left this comment on my last Q&A. I thought she asked some great, thoughtful questions and I thought it would be a good gateway to open up a little more about our story. I emailed her back with my answer because I already knew I was going private, but I thought I might share here too. I realize that I haven't shared an accurate picture of our life with Kellsey. I also realize after talking with some people that I may have given off the feeling that I don't like Kellsey. I hate that people have gotten that feeling from me. I have struggled A LOT with my feelings for Kellsey because of her RAD and because we have not been able to bond and attach like I very much wanted. This is in NO way Kellsey's fault. It's RAD's fault! HA! (If that's even possible!) Anyway, below was the questions that I received and my answer back to her. I hope that you will hear my heart and take it in the tone that I intended. If I've EVER come across that I don't like Kellsey, I hope you always know that I LOVE Kellsey, even when we are struggling to find our place as mother and daughter. I have always and will always want to do what's best for her.

I have a question about Kellsey. I hope it doesn't come across as mean or rude because I really, REALLY do not mean it that way... but do you ever "regret" adopting Kellsey? I don't mean that you don't love her and care about her, but it seems like her struggles have really come to light lately, and you were't aware of them when you adopted her. As I said, I don't mean that in a mean or rude way - I know you wouldn't trade her for anything - but I wonder if "regret" ever runs through your mind? Do you grieve for the little girl you thought you were bringing home? 
I understand if you don't want to answer those questions - pubicly or at all - and I respect that. :) I was just curious. :D
I also want to say Thank You for being so open about Kellsey and her needs. I'm sure it would be easy to not say anything about the struggle and only talk about the positives, but I think that wouldn't really paint an accurate picture of adoption (as I assume you also think - otherwise you probably wouldn't post about the struggles). I think your family is great for adopting Kellsey, and for changing your active lifestyle to make sure she's happy and thriving. Also - your kids are adorable!  

I don't regret adopting Kellsey. Frank and I have actually talked A LOT about this very thing. We are GLAD she is HERE and not in an institution (where she'd most likely be dead by now). As more and more of her health issues have come to light, we are even MORE thankful that she is here and not in an institution. However, we DO regret the effect her adoption has had on our family. It's been a REALLY REALLY hard two years. About 6 months ago, Kameron (who is 10 and very bluntly honest) said, "Ever since you brought Kellsey home, all you do is tell us NO!" And he's right, but man it hurt my heart. As a mother, I want ALL my kids to be safe and happy and feel loved and I have had to make a lot of choices that I wish I didn't even have to think about. I've had to sacrifice one child for four or four children for one and it's not fair to ANY of them. I was reading back through my blog the other night and ran across the post where we announced Kellsey's adoption... in there I said that Kellsey couldn't possibly throw anything at us medically that we haven't already encountered! ROFL! How wrong I was! I absolutely grieve for the little girl we hoped and planned for... we had this picture (literally and figuratively) of this sweet girl with a beautiful smile. I dreamed that she would play babies and dress up with Kennedy and run around with Keeghan (who is 6 months younger than her) as they started Kindergarten together. Instead our reality is that she sits in the living room, all day every day, scribbling circles on her magna doodle and getting angry if anyone invades her space. The kids have stopped trying to play with her and everyone kind of moves "around" her. It's really heartbreaking for me to watch, because she's HERE, but she's not really HERE (if that makes sense). I've never been able to pull her onto my lap or read her a story. I've never been able to lay in bed with her at bedtime and cuddle with her like I do with the other kids. I've never been able to help her play dress up or have her bring me a toy to make it work. She just IS. It's definitely not the dreams we had for her, or our family, but at the same time we feel like we TOTALLY did the right thing bringing her home. Even though I feel like we haven't provided her the love that we'd like to, I KNOW we've taken good care of her, I have fought for her the BEST that I know how. I have advocated and cried buckets of tears and I've loved her in the only way she would let me... by providing for her needs.

When she was in the hospital last month after she swallowed the batteries, she turned into a completely different child. She had one-on-one attention either from me or my mom. The other kids weren't around and Kellsey opened up. She smiled, she said WORDS (I never hear that at home) and she interacted and she let me sit on her bed with her and she played BALL with me. It was AMAZING! It really helped my heart because it confirmed that this is not ME... this is not something I'm doing wrong, it just is what it is and DAMN that orphanage for hurting her so badly. :( When the kids came up to visit her in the hospital, she reverted back to "her". She pushed me off the bed and growled and glared and rolled her eyes. With many kids with RAD, jealousy is a HUGE factor in their behaviors... of course I will NEVER be able to completely provide the one-on-one care she thrives on without sacrificing the other four more than I already have. When she came home from the hospital, my mom noted that she completely changed... her face even looked sadder. I'm glad she was here so she could see how we were/are all TRYING but Kellsey just shuts everyone out when she is mad (sad? feeling jealous? I don't know for sure). That's when we first started talking about my mom taking her for awhile. The two of them get along well and my mom has the kind of household and environment that Kellsey needs. I talked to Frank and the kids about it (well the big two anyway) and they were all on board. There's been SO much they've missed out on (again, NOT Kellsey's fault) and we've all been hurting, Kellsey included. SO my mom flew home, we continued talking about it, she found back up who could help her when needed and I talked to her doctors and got all her major medical stuff cleared. She felt confident in caring for Kellsey and has made lots of fun (air conditioned) plans for the two of them. I am excited for Kellsey's summer. I am hoping that she will open up again and maybe be able to let my mom in. She needs that... we all need that. It wasn't an easy decision, but I believe it's the BEST decision for now. Whew! I talk a lot!! haha Sorry to ramble! :) Thanks again for the questions... they were good ones! 

Hey Everyone

Because we can only have 100 readers now that I'm private... if you find that you're just not checking in to read as much, please let me know and I'll take you off the list. I'm going to run out of room quickly I think!! I wish blogger would allow for 200 and then I'd probably be fine! Oh well!!

If You're Here...

Obviously you've figured out that my blog has gone private. I've rec'd some really not nice comments about Kellsey going with my mom for the summer and I just decided that we ALL badly need a nice summer and I want to blog about it! I plan on posting pictures of Kellsey at my mom's house and pictures of the kids in California and doing the other things we're going to do this summer.

I realize that I haven't been 100% open about the struggles Kellsey is having in our family. I am hoping now with my VERY limited readership that I CAN be more open. It's been hard trying to decide what to post and what not to. I would very much like to share our WHOLE story one day, and hope that the ending will be happy for ALL of us, Kellsey included.

For now though, we are going to have a good summer... my mom and Kellsey... and the rest of us here... and even Frank for a couple weeks! ;) Thanks for wanting to continue to read and follow along on our journey, and thanks for being supportive and kind, even if you don't always agree with me. :)

Q&A #242

**Nancy and Anne, can you two please shoot me an email? CAmommy2KJ@aol.com** Thanks! 


It sounds like what Kellsey needs to function & do well is the complete opposite of what "normal" is for your family. I mean, you're an active, on-the-go family, yet Kellsey needs routine, structure, calm & not a lot of external stimuli in her environment? How does that work with 4 other kids in the house & your busy routine? It must be really difficult to balance Kellsey's needs against those of the rest of your kids.
It doesn't work... we've had a HARD couple years (not Kellsey's fault at all) but we've shuffled and rearranged our lives the best we can. A lot of times I still fail. 


Maybe it's some funky side effect of Ukrainian baby prison? ; ) Seriously...praying!!!
Funny you say that... that's her pediatrician's theory too... or at least his hope! He is hopeful that it's something from her Eastern European descent. It's hard to know for sure since we don't know her family medical history. Hopefully her blood work will never get any worse and she'll just be a mystery. 


So did the numbers change? Or just have stayed the same? So strange. Well, hopefully she has just odd blood and all is fine and remains fine. What would you be looking for that's different in her though? Might be hard to figure with her not feeling pain and all, no? 
They are still basically the same... a few of her counts skewed one way or another, but not enough to warrant a bone marrow biopsy yet, thank goodness! I am praying hard that she'll NEVER get to that point. As far as what we're looking for... lots of petechaie (burst blood vessels creating a "rash") as it's a sign of low platelets, random fevers (which is hard since she gets random fevers all the time from not sweating) and lots of kids with leukemia get leg pain or other extremity pain (Kennedy's was her hands) but we wouldn't know that with Kellsey. That's why the blood checks every 3 months are so important. 


My 8 year old daughter with DS just got her blood results back from an annual physical and her WBC count was low at 3.2. Last year it was 6.1. Her pediatrician wants to wait 3-4 months before we recheck it, but I'm a wreck waiting that long. From your experience, do you have any insight for me. I feel like we should recheck it more quickly, but I'm no physician, just a mom who is concerned! All other blood results were within the normal ranges. 
Unfortunately, I don't have a lot of advice... they're basically doing the same thing with Kellsey. The fact that her platelets are good is reassuring. Kellsey's are normal too. If you see any sign of petechiae, if she starts sleeping a lot (like 20 hours a day), or complaining of pain in her legs or hands, I would take her back in for a CBC. Better safe than sorry. 


Wonderful pictures... Beautiful one on Kennedy.. and little Keeghan is just adorable... Frank doing okay??? Prayers are said for him here in VA.. 
Yes, he's doing well! Bored and ready to come home for a break! But I always say that bored in Afghanistan is a GOOD thing! ;) 


Random question: Where is the donut of deployment? Too depressing? Maybe after August you can update it? Praying for you and this deployment right now! 
LOL No not depressing! We've been hearing lots of rumors of a changed time frame (a little shorter thank goodness!) so I don't know what's accurate anymore. As it stands right now, here's where we're at (not counting R&R of course). 

What will your mom do with Kellsey when she's at work? Isn't that a huge burden on your mom to care for such a medically complex child all summer long? And won't Frank miss seeing Kellsey during his R&R? I know you've mentioned before how close she and Frank are. 
She actually works from home so she'll be there all day... she does have a friend who is a retired RN who is available as back up. She's very excited to meet Kellsey and spend time with her as she works with an adult with Down syndrome on the weekends. My mom offered to take Kellsey and we have her pediatrician there aware that Kellsey is back and ready to help if something comes up. We got all her specialist appointments done until August so she's covered there. Kellsey was not going to go to California with us anyway. It was already set that my mom would come out and stay with her. Originally when we made these plans we weren't thinking about the summer heat of California and all that entailed. When I talked to Kellsey's doctor about it he said that if she was going to go, she'd have to be in a/c the whole time which is impossible. I don't think I've ever said that she and Frank were close except for right after they came home from Ukraine. Because of Kellsey's short term memory issues, she doesn't really remember him and refuses to talk to him on Skype or the phone. 


Will your mom fly out with Kellsey to CA when you all go to Disney? Did Kellsey enjoy Disney? Now that I think about it, that's probably not really her cup of tea is it? Sounds like you've got lots of fun planned. Think you'll make it the whole summer without Kellsey? 
Kellsey did well at Disney when we went in November, but it wasn't hot there then and we didn't take the risk of her overheating. We did still have to try to preempt her self injuring behaviors as she was extremely over stimulated the whole time. It was a difficult week and her self injuring behaviors have gotten a lot worse since then. She's much happier when she stays on routine, knows what to expect and doesn't get over stimulated. I think Kellsey is going to have a great summer and her being happy makes me happy. We'll see how the weeks go.  


I have read lots of blogs on where the familes have children w/ special needs, and they don't always have someone to take care of their child when they need a break. I think it's called Respite Care? Sounds like a good thing to me! Everyone needs a break now and then!
Yes, in a way, this IS respite care. I have tried and tried to get respite care here in town but either got denied because she's "not medically needy enough" which makes me laugh or because there was no funding available. We have exhausted every avenue here in town and in Denver. 


 I was wondering if Kellsey is getting any regular therapy outside of her school day specifically for her issues with RAD? I know it is a very difficult diagnosis, and there are mixed reviews on how to best treat children with this issue.
She is not... when we went to the Down syndrome clinic about 6 weeks ago, I talked to the doctor there and he said that unfortunately there was not a RAD expert in the area and he didn't have anyone to recommend. Her OT in school has been passing along ideas for me to try with her and she is on medication that's supposed to help with her behaviors but so far, it's not working. Hopefully in time... I agree that there are SO many different views out there about "treating" RAD... it's hard to know what is right. 


 I was wondering if you could someday write a post about RAD ,and how it is affecting your family. I know that I personally have no clue about it, and would like to learn more about it. Is this RAD going to be permanent with Kellsey? Would it be better to send her to live in a residential school type place where she can be safe, and it won't affect your daily family life? I can only imagine how her intolerance of the heat limits where you can go with the rest of the children. I hope you can explain more about it someday, so that people like me can understand how it affects families, and I am sure others would like to learn as well. 
Yes, one day I would like to do a post like that... there are lots of websites out there talking about RAD but every child is different. Even talking to friends who are parenting kids with RAD, I am amazed that while there are some similarities, we are all dealing with different issues as well. I think that RAD IS permanent in some way shape and form. My friend Brook commented on this post about RAD and how it still affects her daughter even YEARS after they brought her home. I came across this letter on a RAD website the other night when a friend sent it to me and thought it was excellent! It is really written to give to a teacher who will be working with your child with RAD, but it explains a lot of behaviors and covers a lot of the things we've been dealing with. Of course there are some things on there that don't apply to Kellsey due to her age and having Down syndrome. I know a few people who have utilized residential schools for their children, and we're not at that point yet... I still have hope that she CAN thrive in the right environment and situation. I'm hoping this summer will prove that... one way or another. 


 Just read about a wild fire in your area. Hope all are safe.
Yes, we are safe, thank you! I think the fire was north of us. It definitely hazed in our mountains for a couple days. From what I heard on the news it's all under control. 


Am I understanding that Frank gets to come back to USA for 2 weeks? I have no idea what military life entails - but havng him back would really make this summer special. Sorry if I have misunderstood.
Yes! Every deployment he's had (because they've all been a year long or longer) he has been able to come home for a 2 week R&R. I think one time he came home for the kids' birthdays in November, once he came home (or to Philly really) for Kennedy's spine fusion surgery, before that he came home for Kennedy's Make-A-Wish trip and I forget what the first time was for. We always try to do something though and not just sit around at home for the 2 weeks. (Uhh... spine fusion surgery was not at the top of our R&R wish list! LOL) 


 Hey, *I* would have LOVED to been able to spend the summer with a relative (all by myself!)when I was a kid!! :) I hope though, that your Mom has a camera, and will take some fun pics of what they have planned so we can see too. ;)
Oh I'm sure she will!! I will of course pass them along. :) 


I still think you should've kept it quiet until September, lol! Have a super summer and make sure Frank puts some guacamole and carne asada in the freezer for when I come out in August :) xo
HA! Probably! LOL That's what I get for trying to be open. As usual though, the good has outweighed the haters. (Though I know there are more behind the scenes. Whatever.) Frank won't be coming "home" at all... we're going to pick him up from the airport and drive straight to CA, so I can make no promises of carne asada... but I hope you will still come anyway! ;o)

Aladdin

Here is Kameron in his play with the Academy of Children's Theater here in Colorado Springs. They had drama camp for 4 days and then did their performance on the 5th day! We were so impressed with everything they learned and retained in under a week!!

Kameron plays the part of Abu and is in all brown with a red hat and vest... just in case you can't find him... it's long so it may take awhile to load... be patient! :) (Oh and I missed one short section in the middle when my phone died and had to switch to my mom's... OOPS!)

Make a video - it's fun, easy and free!
www.onetruemedia.com

Still Here!

I haven't forgotten about you all out there! We have had a very busy week or so around here! We have been to Elitch Gardens (a local theme park) with Kennedy's dance company; Kameron has been in drama camp all week and did a fabulous job on his play yesterday! I have it all on video and it will be coming soon! Kassidy and I were able to sneak away for dinner and a movie one night, which was nice. I love hanging out with my girl! Four of the kids (everyone but Kam) had dentist appointments and they all got good reports! Kassidy and Kellsey both need sealants, so that will come in time. My mom and I have been hanging out with the kids and enjoying the beautiful Colorado weather... mixed in with some thunderstorms and flooding. Thankfully, our house is fine.

Now we are onto our crazy summer! We have so much lined up for dance, sleepovers for the kids, trips to the water park and lots of other fun stuff!! And of course we're counting down the days to Frank's R&R when we will take off for two weeks in California. Can't wait for that! :) My mom is leaving in a couple hours to head back home, and she's going to take Kellsey with her. She was set to come back in July and stay with her while we went to CA but after lots of thinking about that, we decided that would be silly! She's been back and forth a lot lately... not that I mind seeing her, but it gets expensive! So Kellsey is going to hang out with grandma for the summer and get the one-on-one time she so badly craves and the rest of us will go to all the places we can't take her... the park on hot days, the pool, the bowling alley and other stuff. The kids here are very excited and Kellsey will be too once she realizes that Grandma is not leaving her in a couple hours. She's definitely a Grandma's girl! ;)

Anyway, that's what is going on around here... busy as usual and about to get busier! I will try to get Kam's video up soon... I sort of need to piece it all together! HA!

The Party's Over...

OK maybe not the party, but dance recital is over! What a crazy week... dress rehearsals, photo shoots, first time recital moms trying not to cry tears of happiness and veteran recital moms not even bothering to hold back the tears. And now, it's over. Well, until next week when the new season starts and we go again! HA! But for one week, no dance... no tap shoes... no costumes... no make up or tons of hair spray... no trying to figure out how to get a high, curly ponytail into a low, left bun. ;) Enjoy your week off, dancers!

Here are a few pictures from our week in completely random order... eventually there will be video too... someday. ;)

 Kennedy ready for company pictures

 Kennedy, Jordyn and Hannah... beautiful flowers

 Lila, Kennedy and Miranda... the pink ladies ;)

 Kennedy and Keeghan with their tap class

Beauty takes time. ;)

My 50's kids

 The senior company at the end of the year party (and Kennedy who jumped in last minute!) ;)

The flowers... (JCM Photography)

 The Mini Company (minus one) ready to perform for the last time 

 A little bit of silliness after dress rehearsal! ;)

 2011/12 Mini Company (JCM Photography)

Wonderland - The KDA Company Kids (JCM Photography)

There is a bit of insanity in dancing that does everybody a great deal of good.  

~Edwin Denby